Motherhood: The way we were

Before I became a mother, I used to have time to do many things.  Now it's always a race to finish something on time.  It's true, motherhood changes you in a fundamental level, and one day I will open up about that aspect in my life.  Today, however, I'd like to talk about the small things that once were, and now, not so much.  If you are pregnant or have not have kids yet, prepare for big and small changes. One of my favorite quotes, "When someone says they slept like a baby, they haven't had one yet,"  is the perfect prescription for realizing nothing is left unchanged. This is my list of things that I can't seem to get around to do [not that often] anymore.

• Remember when you'd take the whole afternoon on a weekend to deep clean/redecorate/buy fresh flowers/ slow-cook and candlelight dinner-your house in underpants and mood music? Forget about doing this EVER again. This doesn't happen here that often anymore.  I mean, how pathetic is it that my mother arranges/organizes all my closets, dusts off the big bookshelf and magic-erases the grime off the walls.  And she lives 1,000 miles away!
• I used to read more.  Reading was like a vacation, except I took one every couple of weeks. Now, I'm just as content to read the book review.
• I used to write more.  Writing was work, but at least I sat on the chair and opened the notebook, and stared at the window.  Now, I don't even know where the notebook is.
• We used to watch lots of movies. Around here it was called movie binging!  Now we have to wait until our carefully selected choices become available on Netflix.  And guess what? We can't even watch the strong/graphic content ones, because she's mostly around until we all go to bed around 10ish.
• Which brings me to this one:  We used to stay up late,  past midnight.  And even then, we slept pretty good.  Which meant that we used to wake up after 10 a.m. on weekends. Now, weekends and weekdays are exactly the SAME.

•  I used to get regular manicures and pedicures.  Not anymore.  It's not like I have let myself go.  I dress up for motherhood the same way I dress up to meet a friend for coffee or the movies. But when you don't have any hired maid service (oh yes, I would do this if I had the money) who can also cook for you, then you can't just leave everything and go do your nails.  And with many other interests always competing with each other, like reading, and writing, and doing crafts, or redecorating or taking pictures or simply venturing outside everyday with your kid, to the playground, the market, the bookstore, the library, the  hardware store, etc, then the luxurious couple of hours you do have on a lucky weekend or the extra hour that Tuesday, you rather rest, catch up with email or a friend.  These days my nails are bare, and I'm learning to embrace that.
• Remember when you could wear jeans or trousers and occasionally a top more than once before washing it?  Scratch that off when you have kids.  They will soil it with everything and anything.  Their hands, their throw-ups, their watery noses, with paint, and food or milk.  If you breastfeed, you will leak no matter what.  And those breast shields are nice, but let's be honest, they end up stinking up your bras and shirts. ( I used to change mine 3 times a day)  These breastfeeding nuances can turn exhausting.  But hey, at least your kid is drinking milk not processed with equipment that uses soy, eggs, or nuts.
•  While that kid is awake, they are constantly tugging at you for attention.  And some kids are very perceptive and demanding, like mine.  They are not content to be sitting next to you while you are in the computer.  They need your hands, your eyes, and your voice on them.  So you are basically participating in a triathlon everyday until they go to school. And by that time, you are so exhausted and have grown so much gray hair, you contemplate not having that second kid after all.

I could only think of these ones. But, I'm sure you mothers out there have a laundry list of your own. 

And they grow fast

It's true what they say, kids do grow up fast, and even though it doesn't feel like it because you are in the everyday, one day you look and they are already doing new things, and the old things are just old. One day they play with fruits, and the next day all they want to do is "read" books.  Next month she will be one year and 6 months old. 

The mom stays in the picture

I love the wisdom of Allison's words when she wrote a piece for the Huffington Post urging mothers to stay in their children's pictures.  I AM so guilty of the opposite.  Having taken hundreds of pictures of my daughter with my camera and cellphone, I went looking for a decent picture of us among them after reading her article, and it made me sad to realize I was only visible in less than 10.  This is a dismay.  I'm correcting this right away.  I want my children to see me in pictures.  To see their mom, young, vibrant, tired, overwhelmed but perfectly part of their lives.  I went browsing through my childhood albums, and my own mother was absent in many of them.  She was the picture taker, yet she could have easily handed someone else the camera.  So I went and dug the only pictures I have with my baby daughter to show you here.  I'm not perfect, in fact, I don't like how I look in them, but they are the ONLY pictures she'll see of me at this age.

Growing a family

I had an epiphany.  I want more children.  A house full of children's giggles, tiny rain boots collected at the door, DIY tents waiting to be built, and chalkboard walls full of silly scribbles.  Tonight as I was putting Emilu to sleep, and laying next to her, I had the uncontrollable urge to hug her and stop her from growing so fast.  Suddenly, I felt in control, capable and resourceful, and with a tremendous strength to bear anything heavy and strong.  I realize that more children for me, also means not wanting to work full-time, for a while. At the beginning of my domestic life I used to complain a little, and still do, about my poor sleeping, constant tiredness, and lack of time to do the things I love.  But, it turns out, I really enjoy spending my days without a work schedule, enjoying our daughter and raising her, cooking for our family, discovering new, fresh ways to decorate, renovate, grow, and live our home.  I figure we only have a life to do the things we really love well, and this is the thing I LOVE now. I love putting her to sleep, and watching her bounce around the house with no purpose, yet confident she'll soon find what she's looking for just around the corner.  I love our quiet crafty afternoons, and late afternoon trips to the playground, and miss her when she naps for 2 hours or more (finally!) in the day.  Call me crazy, and give me all the I told you so I deserve, but this is really the best deal ever.  It just takes time to get used to.  A few tweaks here and there, and things DO get easier. Of course, not everyday is dreamy and inspiring.  Some days are tiring and overwhelming.  It's the pendulum of life.  I guess with a second child, we won't have to pull our hairs out, or complain about lack of sleep or time, because things do get easier, much faster, and just plain better when what you want is staring you in the face giving you hugs and tapping your back gently and pulling your hair, and rubbing her nose against yours, and calling you mama, and crying for your attention, and loving what you just did to her belly.

When I grow up all I want is a home to grow a family in.

How do they do it?

 My husband has been out for four days now, and I just want to snooze for a whole month. Hats off to single parent homes.  Moms and dads who depend on no one to help raise and educate their kids, and do a great job. I admire their strength. But it's much more than tired nights and achy hands.  Small nuances: Lonely nights with a sick kid, no time to fix the lightbulb in the hallway, no one to make you feel safe,  the quiet and empty space next to you in bed.  Really, how do they do it, day in and day out? Again, hats off!

Motherhood: On souls

Being a mother has recently opened up some moments for deep thought and reflection.  I've always been a believer of transcendental things.  My daughter will soon be 15 months old.  Like pieces of a puzzle, her personality and temperament are fully taking shape in front of our eyes.  Every new sound, gesture, disclosure is met with wonder, but also with a familiarity that is sometimes revealing.  I feel like I've known her a very long time.  As if our souls have somewhat embraced each other in another life.  Is this what they mean when they say your children choose you?  Or deeper in reflection:  Do souls congregate with other familiar souls for the purpose of closing the circle of life?

I believe in reincarnation.  In the evolution of souls. Evolution is not just for living things.  If cells have a (micro-life) purpose, and are programmed to fulfill that purpose, why couldn't souls be same?  I believe souls have a (macro-life) purpose.  And sometimes, this purpose doesn't get realized in one lifetime.  Am I making sense?  I hope I'm not scaring you.  We are human beings after all, and our intellect is given to us not just for the purpose of elevating our material yearnings. We also have the freewill need to connect and (potentially) merge with the Unknown, whether you call it god,  fate, alchemy or mother earth. And the road to this is raising questions and finding answers wherever you think they hide. Actually, our purpose in life should be to attain harmony and communion of the material and spiritual halves. To me it makes sense.  To you, something else makes sense. It's fine too.

I just like to believe that when they say that God doesn't give us more than we can't handle, or life has a way of working itself, what they really mean is that each of us is born with a lifemap that facilitates our journey. And souls are part of that lifemap, guiding us in our search for harmony.  That these souls have something to contribute.  That they've been with us for a while.  A nurturing (symbiotic) relationship similar to the one inside the body.  At a cellular level.  That these souls are with us because we have lessons to learn, love tales to weave, and more importantly, experiences that will help these souls and us, close the circle of life.

My daughter's soul has been with me for a while. And my mother's too. I know this now.

First a hand, then the whole heart

As you can see I'm still going through the pile of pictures from our vacation in the DR. This set of images I took one day during lunch in my mom's apt. My grandmother had lunch with us almost everyday. It was our time together, and one of the most fulfilling hours of the day. After lunch, we'd have coffee and dessert, and Emilu would play on the floor until her nap time. Then we'd all take a little siesta (I never could). That was my time at the computer. When we first arrived, Emilu was shy and introverted toward my grandmother. She always is. I think her white hair  makes Emilu distinctively suspiscious. But, my grandmother never acted dissapointed by her reactions. She would tell me that children raised by their mothers, especially around this age, are more attached and more suspicious of strangers.  She would even tell me not to let her whimper when she'd see her.  My grandmother is acutely distressed by babies' cries, especially when they are avoidable.  So, everyday we would set out to modestly have her interact with my grandmother on her own terms.  And my grandmother, who's wise and patient, would entice Emilu with small gestures, little by little, day by day, until she finally gave her a giggle, then a hand, and finally, the day before last, her whole heart.

On fortune

I know that every moment with you is a gift, a blessing and a memory for posterity.  And we are lucky to have those moments so frequent. No. Fortunate. You come, and when you leave, the house is never the same.  It starts with a closet, then a patio hose-down, and ever so subtle all the stains on the wall are magically not there anymore.  An action that somehow washes away the stains on my life-apron.  You run to the pharmacy on your last day and buy multivitamins,  eye creme, and refills for the swifter duster. You are concerned with my health, my beauty routine and my home cleaning.  And who wouldn't want this everyday? I'm a fortunate child. But, it's more than housework.  It's soulwork. 

Our conversations stay forever pending. Because we never run out of things to talk.  Even as you leave, I already have something new to tell you.  The more we talk, the more I have to tell you.  We are fortunate.  A mother and daughter who talk to each other.  There would be no us, if it wasn't for our talking.  To know someone so deeply is to find oneself. And we have found each other. And when I think of my daughter, I can't help but see myself in her, just like I'm with you. Do you believe in the possibility of this continuing on into the next generation? Can Emilu and I ever be this way?  I only dream so.

Potpourri

Mother's Day was yesterday and the family got together over the holiday.  It was a long, rewarding day.  Emilu played with several cousins, and even rode a tricycle.  Part of the celebration included exchanging gifts and I couldn't help but take a few snapshots of the envelopes Emilu and I painted with watercolors.  She was so excited with the paint.  I was surprised to see her dip the brush into the small paint containers and take her brush to the paper.  She's a natural, and apparently a lefty, like her father.

Have you had auyamas before?  These are from my grandfather's farm.  They grow basically anywhere, and they are extremely useful in Dominican cuisine.  This variety of pumpkin is used in soups, stews, as a side, desserts, and specifically in sancocho, a signature dish here. It could be eaten in breakfast, lunch or dinner.

Speaking of sancocho, I love these two cookbooks in my mother's kitchen, especially the state they are in. They belong to my grandmother actually, but she doesn't cook anymore, and now they sit in my mother's kitchen.  There are dozens of recipes inside, organized into several categories, including desserts, appetizers, main courses, sweets, stews, etc. Dominican cuisine is very versatile; and has been influenced by many cultures, including African, European, Mediterranean, even Asian.

Have a fun filled weekend

This Sunday is Mother's Day here.  We are celebrating with both families:  My mom's and dad's.  From my mother's side, four generations will mingle with each other.  Exactly one year ago (plus a few days) I became a mother.  Becoming a parent is the hardest thing I've gone through. It has its highs and lows, yet the highs are so incredibly high you feel you can touch the moon. But is also incredibly tiring. This amazing, lighthearted but extremely poignant article sums it all for me.  Parenting is a pandora box with no expiration or shelf life.  It's the thing that keeps on giving. Do you remember the first four years of your life? Probably not, but don't despair, children give the first four years of your life back to you.  I hope you have a nice, fun filled weekend with your loved ones.  A few links to inspire your weekend.

the scent of fresh lilacs

Cute painted snapshots 

good advice is timeless

a perfect simple pantry 

a riveting video on the art and heart of story-telling!

i want a bite of this strawberry coffee cake 

i love this entire collection

Gratitude

I have so many things to be grateful for.  I have a loving husband; a beautiful, vibrant daughter; a loyal, and pernickety dog, and loving and generous parents.  Here's a few more things I'm really grateful for.

the opportunity to live away from family, makes us more appreciative and affords us the need to achieve personal growth, emotional maturity and to balance family life.

the chance to experience all four Seasons is something I'm grumpily but eternally grateful for.

a gregarious and happy 90 year old grandmother.

the ability to feel compassion, and respect for animals and people alike, with equal footing.

a love for words, pictures and imagination.

a mother that reminds me what's important and essential to be happy.

a father that accepts the shortcomings of his learning brood.

my fears, shortcomings, and self-doubt because their shadow makes certain parts shine brighter. 

raindrops and sunspots, birds making their nests, late-at night moms who breastfeed, my dog's stinky breath, my daughter's rice teeth, my hobbit's feet, cow's milk, inspiring commercials, patina-stained picture frames, and warm morning coffee.

{Photos by me}

And you? What are you most grateful for?

Am I mom enough?

Attachment parenting is not for everyone.  It wasn't for me.  When Emilu had trouble sleeping (constantly waking up during the night) I didn't allow her to cry, but I also didn't allow her to sleep the night in our bed, and co-sleeping is one of the tenets of attachment parenting.  Lately, however, I have grown more relaxed with allowing her to crash in our bed in the wee hours of the morning, from around 4 a.m. When I first saw the May 21st Time Magazine cover article on this very topic, I knew people would get hung up on the misconceptions, but I also understood why many  readers would think this "extreme parenting" style as excessive.

I'm half way in agreement with attachment parenting to the extent that I would never let my child cry out for any reason, much less for sleep training purposes.  I was rather surprised that our own Pediatrician would recommend this as early as 4 months, citing a myriad of reasons for it. I just ignored him. I also agree that organic and local foods (a priority in our household) should be baby's food. I breastfed my daughter until 10 months old, but I also stopped feeding her at night, because in my opinion a baby that's around 8 months old and is eating solids doesn't need food around the clock.  I established a schedule around this time that will go on to become a foundation of healthy eating habits for the rest of her life.  I babywore my daughter and sometimes still do around the house, but I also push a stroller everywhere and feel that this is the best way to be on the go.  And finally, cloth diapering was the best decision I've ever done.

When I read Time's Extended breastfeeding, I realized that I had unknowingly being following some of the propositions of attachment parenting, and that's when it hit me. Up until the other day, I had to use the bathroom or cook a meal with my daughter in arms, yet I don't consider myself an attachment parent.  This is what mothers do. All over the world. This obsessive need of categorizing and naming every little parenting method when raising our kids is becoming a corrosive ticking time bomb that will only, and ultimately hurt our society.

Is this about extreme parenting or more about our bruised egos?  A need for recognition and important titles for our maternal efforts in lieu of intellectual, social or professional rewards?  An attachment parent is most likely to be at home raising kids and so busy and attached to their offspring that it would be difficult for them to fill their intellectual and professional vessel -at least for a few years- which ultimately leads to a quest for valid psychological and social recognition for their way of parenting.   Surely when my mother raised us, extreme parenting wasn't even a word in their vocabulary.  Same when she was raised. There may not be a simple answer for this, but we may be becoming more and more obsessed with every detail, every milestone in our kids' lives.  My daughter is only one year old, and I'm becoming saturated with all the literature out there about the type of parent I should be at every stage.  I stopped reading when my daughter was born.  Partially because I didn't have the time,but also because I had a built-in instinct I was eager to use.  So what if your kid is overweight and you decide to put her on a diet? You are the parent, you should be able to do this! And what if you decide early on to home school or extend breast-feeding or allow TV (Emilu loves her CBeebies) or go non-organic. You are the parent!

I seem to recall how a few months ago, there was a buzz around the blogosphere about French style parenting. We were impressed by how French kids were well behaved and well-mannered, and how French mothers kept their womanhood and glamour intact.  Now that's what I would call the opposite of attachment parenting. Who has time for nail appointments and shopping? French women do. Are the French bad parents too?  Three months ago we were praising their techniques, now we strike them as inferior?

Are we not good enough parents, or worst yet, bad parents?  If there’s a problem in parenting today, perhaps it’s the pressure so many parents feel to be perfect (attachment parenting? French style?) and to find the right formula. But there is no perfect formula for parenting, only principles that can help guide the way. Ultimately there should be enough common sense to say that what's right for your family is the best parenting you can do.Can't we just relax and enjoy parenting, without feeling inferior or superior to other people or is it something that’s simply bound to be full of angst and pressure?

A birthday is soon approaching

 I still cannot believe our daughter is turning one next week. She was born on May 8th of last year. Her arrival was nothing short of exciting and miraculous. After three days of labor, a birth becomes extraordinary. In this short amount of time she has become a headstrong little lady with a luminous personality and a physical presence. At the playground, she's the one wanting to be close to other kids to touch them, chat them up (more like babble) and just to "experience" them. This, I find fascinating, because being a Taurus is about experiencing things with your whole body. It's the most sensuous sign of the zodiac, the one with the need to use its five senses simultaneously or you run the risk of getting scratched off easily.

My little lady here has been slowly graduating from being a high needs baby to becoming an independent, observant and intense toddler. Where does she get this temperament?  I can't wait to find out more.  In the meantime, I'm starting a letter for her about our lives together this past year, and all the hidden lessons I've come to learn by being a mother to her.  I hope she's proud of it, and one day can read it to her own children.


PS: If it was up to her, she'd be content being on top of me the whole day. I included this picture of her in the baby wrap to show you how attached she still is to her mami, even though she's excited about learning to walk, choosing more often than before to do this on her own (proud momma grin!)

Eleven months

If you feel you days are slow and drab, try having a baby, I guarantee you this will change.  This high needs baby of mine is now 11 months old! and there's a sea of difference in her personality and temperament now, than when she was a small baby. This girl is impatient, stubborn and so curious already.  She could hear the subtlest sound at the end of the room, and off she goes like Inspector Gadget to investigate what it is.

There's also a hint of naughtiness in her budding personality I can't seem to shake off.  When she wants something, she wants it now.  She's also done a couple of solo standings, meaning she stands for a few seconds on her own, and then plops down.  Now that crawling is her signature way of getting around everywhere, I have to keep our floors cleaned all the time.  I usually do this everyday while she's having breakfast in her high chair.  Living in the grounds of a split level apt. building means all the dust and dirt from the streets easily sips in through the windows and doors.  I'm also teaching her the body parts and she already knows how to send a kiss, wave goodbye, call you with her hand, give you a hug and is now trying to whistle.  Sounds crazy right?  But my brother, at this age already knew how to whistle, except he made the sound inhaling air, instead of exhaling, and she's doing the same thing!

**A few things she does, which makes me a happy mama**

+  greets her dad when he walks in from work.
+ gives hugs to her dolls and toys
+ sometimes she hides toys from me
+ dances to tunes in TV, especially the Downton Abbey introduction music
+ mastered the "goodbye" wave, the "come" hand command.
+ points to her head when I say HEAD, and to her tummy when I say TUMMY (and that's about all, I'm teaching her the rest of the body parts)
+ points to everything
+ claps on command
+ puts her toys away when I start picking them up
+ calls everyone "dadada"
+ eats solids, which include potatoes, pasta, chicken, broccoli, rice, spinach, avocado and asparagus for lunch, and fruits and yogurt for afternoon snacks
+ dances to music on TV
+ religiously enjoys watching her CBeebies every morning during breakfast
+ chooses her own clothes by pointing which one she likes to wear
+ gives the most heart-warming hugs ever
+ wants a taste of what you are eating always, no exceptions
+ loves, loves, really loves grapes!

Sweet girl, you are my everything.  Thanks for making a proud mama out of me. Also her birthday is coming up soon.  I need to start planning that. How about your babies?  Did they do something funny or endearing which made you swell with pride?

NoseFrida, the snotsucker

Let me tell you about a product that is literally saving our lives here in sick land.  It’s smart. It’s Swedish. It’s maybe a little strange. But, it's doctor invented & recommended, 100% hygienic with fabulous reviews (Rachel Ray, Parenting, & more). It’s a nasal aspirator that ACTUALLY WORKS! It’s NoseFrida.  The Snotsucker.

It may seem like this post is sponsored, but it's not.  I don't have any sponsors, this is completely me, a new mom, saying to you, that if you ever consider buying something else, then your life and that of your sick baby will be much more complicated and miserable.  I've bought many aspirators for Emilu the first time she got sick, when she caught a virus from her cousin at 7 months old last Christmas.  It was pretty bad, and those old aspirators did the job very poorly, plus many had really hard tips.  Then my sister told me about this amazing snotsucker, and we ordered it online, hoping never to use in the near future.  Well, this time around, NoseFrida is making our lives better and simpler.  I highly recommend it. Go on, read the reviews, do your research, but I'm telling you, it's a wonder product.

On Motherhood

{Image via this Tumblr}

Sometimes, it's about fathers too. Love is love.

On motherhood

I love this shot of one of my favorite actresses, Selma Blair with her baby
son, Arthur. Oh joy!

(Image source US magazine}