Am I mom enough?

Attachment parenting is not for everyone.  It wasn't for me.  When Emilu had trouble sleeping (constantly waking up during the night) I didn't allow her to cry, but I also didn't allow her to sleep the night in our bed, and co-sleeping is one of the tenets of attachment parenting.  Lately, however, I have grown more relaxed with allowing her to crash in our bed in the wee hours of the morning, from around 4 a.m. When I first saw the May 21st Time Magazine cover article on this very topic, I knew people would get hung up on the misconceptions, but I also understood why many  readers would think this "extreme parenting" style as excessive.

I'm half way in agreement with attachment parenting to the extent that I would never let my child cry out for any reason, much less for sleep training purposes.  I was rather surprised that our own Pediatrician would recommend this as early as 4 months, citing a myriad of reasons for it. I just ignored him. I also agree that organic and local foods (a priority in our household) should be baby's food. I breastfed my daughter until 10 months old, but I also stopped feeding her at night, because in my opinion a baby that's around 8 months old and is eating solids doesn't need food around the clock.  I established a schedule around this time that will go on to become a foundation of healthy eating habits for the rest of her life.  I babywore my daughter and sometimes still do around the house, but I also push a stroller everywhere and feel that this is the best way to be on the go.  And finally, cloth diapering was the best decision I've ever done.

When I read Time's Extended breastfeeding, I realized that I had unknowingly being following some of the propositions of attachment parenting, and that's when it hit me. Up until the other day, I had to use the bathroom or cook a meal with my daughter in arms, yet I don't consider myself an attachment parent.  This is what mothers do. All over the world. This obsessive need of categorizing and naming every little parenting method when raising our kids is becoming a corrosive ticking time bomb that will only, and ultimately hurt our society.

Is this about extreme parenting or more about our bruised egos?  A need for recognition and important titles for our maternal efforts in lieu of intellectual, social or professional rewards?  An attachment parent is most likely to be at home raising kids and so busy and attached to their offspring that it would be difficult for them to fill their intellectual and professional vessel -at least for a few years- which ultimately leads to a quest for valid psychological and social recognition for their way of parenting.   Surely when my mother raised us, extreme parenting wasn't even a word in their vocabulary.  Same when she was raised. There may not be a simple answer for this, but we may be becoming more and more obsessed with every detail, every milestone in our kids' lives.  My daughter is only one year old, and I'm becoming saturated with all the literature out there about the type of parent I should be at every stage.  I stopped reading when my daughter was born.  Partially because I didn't have the time,but also because I had a built-in instinct I was eager to use.  So what if your kid is overweight and you decide to put her on a diet? You are the parent, you should be able to do this! And what if you decide early on to home school or extend breast-feeding or allow TV (Emilu loves her CBeebies) or go non-organic. You are the parent!

I seem to recall how a few months ago, there was a buzz around the blogosphere about French style parenting. We were impressed by how French kids were well behaved and well-mannered, and how French mothers kept their womanhood and glamour intact.  Now that's what I would call the opposite of attachment parenting. Who has time for nail appointments and shopping? French women do. Are the French bad parents too?  Three months ago we were praising their techniques, now we strike them as inferior?

Are we not good enough parents, or worst yet, bad parents?  If there’s a problem in parenting today, perhaps it’s the pressure so many parents feel to be perfect (attachment parenting? French style?) and to find the right formula. But there is no perfect formula for parenting, only principles that can help guide the way. Ultimately there should be enough common sense to say that what's right for your family is the best parenting you can do.Can't we just relax and enjoy parenting, without feeling inferior or superior to other people or is it something that’s simply bound to be full of angst and pressure?

The Age of Overparenting

via Boston Magazine

Thanks to a friend, I came across an article in Boston Magazine entitled Welcome to the Age of Overparenting. The article is so enlightening in many aspects of modern day parenting, that everyone who is a parent should read this.

When I was growing up in the 80s, the parenting style I was brought up on might now be considered slightly negligent and completely unattached.  We had to go after, instead of being nudged or sometimes pushed by our parents, as is the case today in overparenting households,  the things we wanted in our lives. After all, back in those days, our parents let us watch TV, play with the most original but not so safe toys, and some didn't stop to consider whether our schooldays were productive enough. And we turned out fine, didn't we?  We are those kids, now in our 30s and soon approaching our 40s, running the bus lines of e-commerce, social media technology and grassroots organizations. Somewhere between playing outside and staying up late, we developed a green conscience while acing our business classes in college.
 

Source: mamaiscomic.com via JuliaB on Pinterest

I know tiger moms have always existed in the parenting jungle of our lives, but don't you think they are becoming the norm in some zipcodes around the country?  And this, I confess, scares me.  Not because I  feel intimated by them, or fear my child might become dumb if she doesn't receive a tiger education at home.  It scares me because we are robbing our children's childhoods and compensating this with technology and the false promise of a secure future where there isn't room for mistakes or for idleness.

I'd like to try to be a parent for my Emilu first and foremost.  And then, a friend, a teacher, and of course when needed, an untigerly critic.

Sleeping Problems

On our trip to Miami back in July, Emilu started miraculously sleeping through the night. And continued to do so at home. When we were in NYC visiting my brother a few weeks back, she was still sleeping through the night.  But a few weeks ago,  for some unknown reason, she stopped. She's almost 4 months now.   She used to go down around 11 p.m. and pass out 'till around 5 a.m.  However, good things come to an end, and so they did. 

When she hit 3 months, she started waking up in the middle of the night, wailing.  We thought it was a growth spurt and hoped she would snap out of it.  Here we are and she hasn't. I'd nurse her back to sleep, we'd change her diapers, we'd rock her and shush until she went back to sleep.  Last night she woke up 3 times!   You inevitably ask yourself, what could we be doing wrong?  As soon as she starts stirring, I go to her and start shushing and patting her bum, and when  it's not hunger, this seems to work half the time. The other half, she just wants to be held.  This has continued for 3 weeks now.  It's like going back to the first weeks after birth.  I'm exhausted again.  And now everyone is saying that when she starts getting cereal, night sleeping will be much longer.  Is this true?  Could it be hunger and only that?  Or is my baby a high needs baby at night? What was your experience at this age? Personally I'm torn in between the sleep trainers or crying-out methods, which advocate letting your baby cry until she falls back asleep and the nurturers or attachment parenting.  Most mothers fall in between.

All I know is that this business of motherhood is completely subjective.  What may work for some mothers and babies, may not work for others.  As much as babies are babies, they are still individuals who experience stimuli in different ways. You know you are in good hands when you've tried different systems and found the one that works best for you.