Sometimes I have no time to do the things I love. If I'm not tired, which is never, I'm backed up with housework, which is not the same as being up to my neck with mindwork (usually a good article I have put aside, or the email message from a lost friend,whose reply beckons 30 minutes of my life.) Most times, however, I'm simply struggling to complete a thousand things, which I've began simultaneously in a effort to multitask.
I tell myself if I had the time, this would be an award winning blog. I would redesign, and go on a one woman-one blog, journalist exploration of themes I'd like to write about, and share. My pictures would be edited and published in a flash. My posts would not linger in the draft section for months. And my stories would capture the stumbles and tribulations of womanhood in modern times. Writing used to be second nature. Although never easy, it used to put me at ease. Like a cold smoothie in a hot day; writing was my treat. Now, it seems something I must conquer everyday. Insurmountable and intimidating. I started this blog when I was pregnant, thinking my creative juices would be flooded with hormones too. But, it was the opposite effect. A downward spiral of pregnancy symptoms, followed by a lack of sleep, then REAL lack of sleep when baby was born, and finally, exhaustion in so many levels.
I read many blogs, and every time I find a post that reminds me of something I want to write about or clicks a light on in my head, I immediately find an excuse to avoid writing. Why? Fear. Insecurity. Tiredness. Lack of drive.
I don't like this person, I don't even know her. I want to start writing. Something. Anything. Consequently, and things are always consequent, I decided to start writing. Period. And posting more about the things I want to write about. Period. The changes will be subtle, but permanent. I will make time for my writing. And this blog will log those hours. Making an effort to live in the here and now, instead of the If I or when I, will be an exercise in perseverance and submission.