I had an epiphany. I want more children. A house full of children's giggles, tiny rain boots collected at the door, DIY tents waiting to be built, and chalkboard walls full of silly scribbles. Tonight as I was putting Emilu to sleep, and laying next to her, I had the uncontrollable urge to hug her and stop her from growing so fast. Suddenly, I felt in control, capable and resourceful, and with a tremendous strength to bear anything heavy and strong. I realize that more children for me, also means not wanting to work full-time, for a while. At the beginning of my domestic life I used to complain a little, and still do, about my poor sleeping, constant tiredness, and lack of time to do the things I love. But, it turns out, I really enjoy spending my days without a work schedule, enjoying our daughter and raising her, cooking for our family, discovering new, fresh ways to decorate, renovate, grow, and live our home. I figure we only have a life to do the things we really love well, and this is the thing I LOVE now. I love putting her to sleep, and watching her bounce around the house with no purpose, yet confident she'll soon find what she's looking for just around the corner. I love our quiet crafty afternoons, and late afternoon trips to the playground, and miss her when she naps for 2 hours or more (finally!) in the day. Call me crazy, and give me all the I told you so I deserve, but this is really the best deal ever. It just takes time to get used to. A few tweaks here and there, and things DO get easier. Of course, not everyday is dreamy and inspiring. Some days are tiring and overwhelming. It's the pendulum of life. I guess with a second child, we won't have to pull our hairs out, or complain about lack of sleep or time, because things do get easier, much faster, and just plain better when what you want is staring you in the face giving you hugs and tapping your back gently and pulling your hair, and rubbing her nose against yours, and calling you mama, and crying for your attention, and loving what you just did to her belly.
When I grow up all I want is a home to grow a family in.